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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.