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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.