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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.