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60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Real friends show me their boobs
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.