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The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.