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People will do odd things to get even.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.