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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?