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I`ve decided to go my own way and think "inside the box" to be different ... Wow its dark in here!
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.