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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.