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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.