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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.