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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I should come with a warning label.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?