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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation