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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?