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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Being alive is so expensive.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed