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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone