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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
My anger management class pisses me off
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.