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If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.