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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."