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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…