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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..