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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.