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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I wish I had a friend like me
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..