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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener