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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.