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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.