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I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!