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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I drink because people talk.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....