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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.