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I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.