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No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?