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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.