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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!