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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.