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I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.