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People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
So much to do and so few alibis.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
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I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!