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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Match dot com, but for socks.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.