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It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Soup of the day: Beer
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.