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I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”