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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.