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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.