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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.