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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.