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My safe word is letsgetmarried.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.