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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`