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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.