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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.