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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.