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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
It`s not stalking if you love them!
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.