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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.