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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.