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Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.