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Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.