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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.