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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Does this status update make me look fat?
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.