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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.