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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.