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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.