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3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.