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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.