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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.