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Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.