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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Mondays should start at noon.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.