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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.