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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I flunked anger management class.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Save time. See it my way.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
The older I get the better I used to be.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.