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My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Velcro is a ripoff
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.