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This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.