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Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.