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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
It’s not pretty being easy.