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It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Iām eating for two ā me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone