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You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`