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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.