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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.