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Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.