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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.