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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.