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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.