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"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.