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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.