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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face