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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I wish my mind had a delete button.
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?